7 Ways to Be a Real American

After reading stuff like the Huffington Post and the rest of the liberal media spreading their propaganda about things like John McCain being out of touch and Barack HUSSEIN Obama being a sign of hope when we all know he’s a Marxist Socialist Anarchist Anti-Christ Terrorist, I decided to make a list so us Americans can be REAL Americans again. Not like the evil socialist liberals that will turn us into the USSR… America is God’s country and here’s how we’re going to reclaim it for Him!

1. Watch Fox News and Listen to Rush Limbaugh
There’s not much to be said here. Fox and Rush are the only people worth listening to unless you want that guy from ESPN yellin’ in your ear the whole time like on MSNBC. Rush is the only broadcaster who highlights the liberal conspiracy that’s choking the country, and Fox is the most balanced network on cable news. C-Span’s too boring (who cares about passing laws anyways? They’re all making us into socialists! What are they gonna say next, “there’s a separation of church and state”?), and CNN is just full of environmentalist wackjobs. There’s that one guy that I like though, what was his name again? Lou Hobbs? Whatever. At least somebody at the Clinton News Network knows that illegal immigrants are ruining the country.

2. Homeschool Your Kids
We all know that public schools teach the evil idea of evolution, and the belief that we’re supposed to accept people regardless of their religion or other beliefs. I want my children to be properly taught that it’s religion, not science, that correctly proves how and why we exist, and that the dinosaur fossils were placed by the angels to test our faith, NOT that we evoluded from monkeys. Don’t place your child’s faith and health at risk — homeschool them and teach them right from wrong. All public schools do is encourage no morals.

3. Encourage Off-Shore Drilling
The socialist environmentalist liberals are guilty of not letting Congress pass a bill that would allow us to drill off-shore and lower the price of oil so much that I could have a pool full of it for $4! With off-shore drilling, the price of gas would fall below 50 cents a gallon! How can you not support it? Write to your local Congressman and tell him to support off-shore drilling. Our country should not have to rely on foreign countries for anything! They’re taking our jobs!

4. Vote John McCain
Do you want a black man being president? Worse yet, do you want a liar who says he’s really a Christian but is a Muslim Arab behind closed doors? Obama says he’s going to talk with Ahmedinwhatshisname: more proof that he’s really a terrorist! Vote McCain, since he’ll bring the fight to Iran! And Russia! And France! And Massachusetts!

5. Buy a Gun
Sometimes, when our blessed troops in the army can’t kill all of the terrorists at once, you’ve got to take matters into your own hands. With a gun, you can kill all the people who are ruining our country: the illegals, mexicans, gays, and, best of all, the ARABS! If you see a gay guy wearing a pink polo at some gay college (only elitists go to college), grab him by his popped collar, force him on the ground, put your gun to his head, and say, “HEY! STOP BEING GAY YOU FAG! YOU’RE RUINING THE COUNTRY!” If he doesn’t say that he’ll turn straight, put a bullet in his head. You’d have made the world a better place.

6. Be a Christian
I don’t mean you go to church every Sunday. No, you’ve gotta go do that, and read the Bible every night before you go to bed and in the morning every time you wake up. Memorize 50 verses from the Bible and quote scripture in everyday life. Say a prayer every hour, on the hour, so God always hears and loves you. Try to convert a minimum of 50 heathens a year. All these steps will make you more likely to go to heaven.

7. Be a Patriot!
The best way to be a real American is to be a Patriot. Put “Support the troops” bumper stickers on your car and all the cars parked in the same lot as you when you go grocery shopping. Whenever anyone from the United States (the greatest country on the planet) does something good, especially if it’s against a foreign country, you have to chant, “USA! USA! USA!”. Have a flag lapel pin on your person at all times, and have a minimum of 10 flags hanging in your house. Take whatever opportunities you can to make fun of Mexicans, Canadians, the British, and the French. They’re sooooo inferior to us!

*note: this was all a giant satire and if you are really considering doing any of these things, seek mental help. Bookmark this post on delicious, digg, or stumbleupon using the buttons below.

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  1. Thank a god that I dont believe in for the Satire Tag

  2. HAHAHAHA Good one, Leap!! LOL

  3. thebeadden

    I saw you over at Will’s blog and had to see what your blog is all about because I liked your comments.
    I’m not disappointed. Looks like this is going to be a great blog!

  4. Thanks all. I do what I can.

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