Archive for October 22nd, 2008

One story, or two rather, get the honors in today’s GBI:

Good, Bad, and Insightful

Nicholas Sarkozy better watch out: he’s got voodoo dolls of him in France. FP Passport reports:

Nicholas Sarkozy has no trouble laying the smack down on Somali pirates, but it seems his coat of armor is a wee bit thin when he’s the brunt of a joke. A voodoo doll, bright blue and crafted in his image, has the French president throwing a tantrum.

The doll, put out by K&B publishing company earlier this month, comes complete with a set of pins and a voodoo manual that instructs users how to cast a spell. The doll’s body is decorated with quotes of Sarkozy’s most unpopular quips. Across the doll’s pelvic area is the word “scum”, the term which sparked much controversy when he used it to describe suburban youth shortly before riots broke out in 2005.

Sarkozy’s lawyer, Thierry Herzog, has threatened to sue K&B and insisted the 20,000 dolls be removed from the shelves. “Nicolas Sarkozy has charged me with reminding you that he commands an exclusive and absolute right over his image,” Thierry said. “Regardless of his status and fame.”

And the Church of the Apocalyptic Kiwi has a post that links the exposure of Sarah Palin’s $150,000 wardrobe, and yes, that’s the correct figure. $150,000.

Haven’t you ever wanted to be That One? How about the One? How about both? No worries — follow these 5 steps and you’ll be like the next president of the United States in absolutely no time at all.

1. Have a Funny Sounding Name

Since most of us don’t have the benefit of having a Kenyan father or being born in Honolulu, you’ll have to change your name to something foreign sounding, preferably something of Middle Eastern origin. Best names and surnames include:

Bin Laden
Jong Il

and so on. Make sure that your first, middle, and last names are all from the same region (again, preferably the Middle East) so you’re just like Barack. The whole name is an effort to get your clearly corrupt and failed enemies to accuse you of being foreign, unpatriotic, un-American, and, above all, a terrorist.

2. Talk Obsessively About Change and Hope

You don’t have to specify what exactly the change is — as you act like it’s obvious that the world needs changing! Just repeat “change” like it’s your mantra, it is your mantra, and if anyone actually asks what you mean, tell them to look around — if they’re smart they’ll see exactly what needs changing, which is, you’ll assert, everything. Everything needs changing: the government, the weather, the army, the school system, your kid’s diaper, what we eat, and so on.

At the same time, stress that, like Luke Skywalker, you’re our only hope. Only you are able to enact the change you want to see in the world — and you should carry yourself that way. Say that your opponents are corruptly running the system and they’re what needs changing; if you get power over *whatever*, you’ll make sure that you’ll fix them. Or something. Remember: don’t specify what change means exactly, unless you’re giving a nationally televised speech, since you’ll confuse the 80% of the populace that doesn’t know what the current conditions are.

3. Make Millions Your Adoring Fans

How do you do this? Woo them with your good looks, make friends with everyone you meet, handing them your “business” cards, which include only your name and one of your mantras like “Change”, “Hope”, “The Future”, and “The Man”. Set up a ridiculously well-maintained and professional website, encouraging your followers to donate to your cause of taking over the world, and sell accompanying memorabilia with your face, name, and mantras on it in obnoxiously large letters. Tell them to tell your friends about you. Drive to random cities and talk with the townsfolk, talking to them about your complex platform of Change and Hope, all the while subtly implying that they need to donate to your cause. Give random speeches in the middle of of town, again sticking to your platform of hope and change. They will come to adore you, I promise.

4. Become a Master At Public Speaking

Of course, if you’re really hoping to become cultural, political, and public hero/icon, you’re going to have to be eloquent and, at the same time, easy to understand, just like Barack Obama. Pause so your listeners know that you’re thinking out your answers, then deliver a succinct and easy-to-understand answer, just like Barack does. Bonus points if you look at someone in the crowd during the entire time you’re speaking, and everything is factual. When speaking, you should be totally relaxed and think that you have the crowd won over already, because arrogance confidence is the number one way to win a crowd over. Speak with a deep voice, and use a particularly hyperbolic vocabulary, stressing the bad as very bad, and the good as very good. Again, stick to your talking points of Change and Hope, implying that you’re going to do the exact opposite of what’s been done because you say that our current policies have made earth hell on earth. Don’t elaborate any further than that!

5. Become an Elitist

Go to Columbia, go to Harvard and graduate magna cum laude, and become a lawyer, raking in cash from your clients. Become well known before you start your campaign by writing a best-selling autobiography. Use an iPhone, proving your ultimate Apple snobbery. Buy Starbucks and designer clothing and furniture, and own a $1.5M home in a rich area of a metropolis.

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